Thursday, December 30, 2010
Cupcakes and Super Human Strength
Those two things don't normally go together but that is how the week has been. Yesterday, Hannah was making cupcakes for mommy. Super cute. They tasted awful. Couldn't begin to describe.
Please don't tell her.
The day prior was a chemo day. Now that we are in the phase IM, we only go every ten days. I forgot how much more resistant to being at the hospital this makes her. It started out fine. The boys came too and everyone was engrossed in Sponge Bob while she had her exam.
The doctor went over the exam with me. Her ANC is still good. Platelets are down, red blood cells steady. Her weight is down. Might need a feeding tube next visit. We handled all this fine. Then, the nurse came to take us to the infusion room for chemo.
This triggered a fight or flight reaction in my youngest child. She started mildly pleading not to go to that room. Then screaming. Then screaming, kicking, hitting, and spitting. Screaming she hated that room. Screaming she would not go in to that room. Still being in the room obviously meant more drastic measures were needed. She threw anything near her. Her cup of water? All over the floor. Clawed at me when I tried to get ahold of her.
In her final move before I got a good grip on her, she tried to hurl a giant brown trash can that held all of the used chemo syringes. Of course, it is far wider around then her little arms could grab and almost as tall as her. I couldn't believe she was even attempting it. It all happened so fast. She didn't get much height. Really, it was more of a knocking over of said trash can with a bit of sliding across the floor thrown in. And then I had her.
The boys sat frozen, mouths open. The nurse took only a pause before lending a helpful hand. (they have seen it all) I was so many things; angry, embarrassed, so deeply sad for her. I felt bad for the boys and the nurse. There isn't time for that. Hannah needed her chemo. She calmed down when they started. It didn't take long before she felt sick. She was right about the room.
We went home. I felt dead. Some days are so damn hard.
The next day at work I was telling Galen what happened. He pointed out something I hadn't thought of. I was thinking I should not have exposed the boys. He suggested that it might bring a greater understanding for them. After Christmas, I think Aaron was all ready to sign up for this cancer thing. Sure you lose your hair, but random people are nice to you, send presents, and you get to eat lots of normally off limit food. Maybe getting to see a little of what she is dealing with, will help him deal, too. Or, it will cause deep psychological damage that can never be undone. I don't know! I hope not.
Bouncing from this day of trauma back into her normal, cute little five year old life is remarkable to me. I am still exhausted! However, this is how cupcakes and super strength go together over at the Grage household.